row, row, row your boat, gently down the stream; merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, life is but a dream. row, row, row your boat, gently down down the stream; merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily...
do you know that rhyme? the words left my lips in a quiet, continual song. i was sitting on a bench looking at the sky, urging myself to wake from this dream. the cold marble slab kept me company as i waited for photographs to be developed. there was one image i really wanted to see. the last one of you and me.
the photo is a blurr but in my mind, the day at cape point remains as clear as the sun was bright. your denim-clad leg on the left, my skinny-jeaned leg on the right. our bare feet over-hanging a rock, our view of open-ended ocean. next to this blurr, my favourite piece of graffiti captured on a walk back from long street.
life is but a dream. i sang softly, earnestly. i sang facing strangers who passed by: an older leering man here, a couple holding YDE shopping bags there. the repetitive row, row, row kept my mind in the now as i reached to you in the present-past.
the truth is, wakhile, you are not purely past tense. you are enmeshed in the lives of hundreds of people across the earth who love you beyond measure. each one of us are connected to others through threads of individual and collective memories.
we remember that you smelt of baby food. and that hugging you felt like home. we remember the meaningful tattoos that roughened the soft skin of your upper back. we remember your youthful smile, your particularly straight teeth. the earnestness of your eyes. your long locks. your tiny ears. the beauty spot behind your left one. your strong arms. your small toes.
we remember that you while you were alive, you truly lived. i remember you burning half your eyelashes off in an overzealous moment with a lighter. i remember you biting part of your tongue during a rugby game and healing it by simply cutting off the hanging piece – with scissors – because “doctors are charlatans.” i remember cartoons and custard. i remember laughing. “hilarity has ensued.” i remember you completing my sentences before i begin them. i wish i could remember you back to life.
in writing this for you, wakhile, i have resisted asking why. this single word torments my thoughts of you and i struggle to steer from its downwards spiral. instead of dwelling on the uncertainty of yesterday, i control my words hopefully towards tomorrow. what lives on, beyond the physical? beyond the memories? you left us behind with lessons and these will live longer than any of us.
the overarching lesson i have learnt from you, wakhile, is to let go. in the first two years that i knew you, you taught me to let go of inhibitions and pre-conceived notions. later, you taught me to let go of any people or experiences that denigrated my worth. you provided love, advice and support as i battled to 'let go' after the passing of my mother. accepting that you have let go is the ultimate challenge. i need to learn how to let you go, too. all the while, i send you love and light.
rest in peace, dear wakhi. i hope that death breathes a new life into your beautiful being. not through your lungs, but through your spirit. not through your body, but through your soul.
before my mother died, she told me that the body is a cage and the soul is a bird. death unlocks the cage and sets the bird free. i imagine her as a bird, soaring to welcome and protect you on your onward journey. i imagine you, not in your physical form, but as the fearless tiger that dominated your spirit. your actions are boundless, your scope limitless, your liberty endless.
i remain, fondly, your earth-bound butterfly.
do you know that rhyme? the words left my lips in a quiet, continual song. i was sitting on a bench looking at the sky, urging myself to wake from this dream. the cold marble slab kept me company as i waited for photographs to be developed. there was one image i really wanted to see. the last one of you and me.
the photo is a blurr but in my mind, the day at cape point remains as clear as the sun was bright. your denim-clad leg on the left, my skinny-jeaned leg on the right. our bare feet over-hanging a rock, our view of open-ended ocean. next to this blurr, my favourite piece of graffiti captured on a walk back from long street.
life is but a dream. i sang softly, earnestly. i sang facing strangers who passed by: an older leering man here, a couple holding YDE shopping bags there. the repetitive row, row, row kept my mind in the now as i reached to you in the present-past.
the truth is, wakhile, you are not purely past tense. you are enmeshed in the lives of hundreds of people across the earth who love you beyond measure. each one of us are connected to others through threads of individual and collective memories.
we remember that you smelt of baby food. and that hugging you felt like home. we remember the meaningful tattoos that roughened the soft skin of your upper back. we remember your youthful smile, your particularly straight teeth. the earnestness of your eyes. your long locks. your tiny ears. the beauty spot behind your left one. your strong arms. your small toes.
we remember that you while you were alive, you truly lived. i remember you burning half your eyelashes off in an overzealous moment with a lighter. i remember you biting part of your tongue during a rugby game and healing it by simply cutting off the hanging piece – with scissors – because “doctors are charlatans.” i remember cartoons and custard. i remember laughing. “hilarity has ensued.” i remember you completing my sentences before i begin them. i wish i could remember you back to life.
in writing this for you, wakhile, i have resisted asking why. this single word torments my thoughts of you and i struggle to steer from its downwards spiral. instead of dwelling on the uncertainty of yesterday, i control my words hopefully towards tomorrow. what lives on, beyond the physical? beyond the memories? you left us behind with lessons and these will live longer than any of us.
the overarching lesson i have learnt from you, wakhile, is to let go. in the first two years that i knew you, you taught me to let go of inhibitions and pre-conceived notions. later, you taught me to let go of any people or experiences that denigrated my worth. you provided love, advice and support as i battled to 'let go' after the passing of my mother. accepting that you have let go is the ultimate challenge. i need to learn how to let you go, too. all the while, i send you love and light.
rest in peace, dear wakhi. i hope that death breathes a new life into your beautiful being. not through your lungs, but through your spirit. not through your body, but through your soul.
before my mother died, she told me that the body is a cage and the soul is a bird. death unlocks the cage and sets the bird free. i imagine her as a bird, soaring to welcome and protect you on your onward journey. i imagine you, not in your physical form, but as the fearless tiger that dominated your spirit. your actions are boundless, your scope limitless, your liberty endless.
i remain, fondly, your earth-bound butterfly.
6 comments:
Mona, that was hauntingly beautiful. I am devastated to hear what happened.. Sending you all the love in the world <3
Mona, Mona, Mona. You have a beautiful gift and a way with words that just leaves me speechless. I love you my friend and I wish you strength...x
This is devastating news but to know that Waks had someone like you in his life gives me a sense of relief. Beautiful words. wishing you strength Mona...xoxo
Mona Lisa, loving you so fiercely right now. thanx so much for sharing this. yesterday i remembered our communal 'finding nemo' day in the emhlabs tv room & it brought a smile to my face. even as the tears stream down my face now, i can hear Waks tuning "hai jwax chichi, don't worry..."
Such beautiful words. Mona, your writing is truly a gift to the rest of us, so thank you. Sending love to all who are mourning.
a tribute filled with such shining love. what a gift for both of you to have been able to share a part of this brief life-journey together. love you dearly sweet one. x
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